"Once, some time ago, I had a problem with the Vice Bishop of Gurk....but that's a long story.
You are right, Howard, the more often I now read this line, the more it sounds, as you suggested, like the opening line of a Monty Python sketch. And I too now laugh about it.
I think that I now owe you an explanation for this funny line:
In several regions of Austria, in particular in Carinthia and Tirol, but also in some regions in Germany, there is the custom of the "Fastentuecher" or loosely translated, the "Lenten Veils"...(sometimes they are also referred to as "Hungertuecher, (hunger veils)"
In the period between Ash Wednesday and Easter Sunday, Roman Catholic Churches in the above described areas, while observing a Fasting period (Lenten) will hang a "Tuch" (Cloth) over the Altar, so as to prevent the "repentant sinners" to see the Altar, containing the Tabernacle...
This custom started in the 11th Century. At that time the Altar was hidden by a simple sack cloth. Later the cloth was finely woven material and hand painted by local artists, with scenery from the bible, so that the largely illiterate congregation could learn the history of Christianity through these pictures.
(You can learn more about this custom, by googling "Fastentuecher")
So now comes the "Monty Python Sketch"
I decided to photograph as many of these "Lenten Veils" and for this purpose I travelled to 9 or 10 churches.
One of them is the Cathedral of Gurk (Google will tell you about this church). As always I photographed without a flash, so as not to disturb other persons meditating there.
The Lenten Veil in Gurk is particularly interesting since it contains many squares depicting Christian history.
I am quietly going about my business, when a group of tourists enters through a side door. They are examining a side altar. A lady peels away from the group, and with the nastiest of voices, not at all becoming the christian, "love thy neighbour" teachings, orders me to immediately cease and desist my "pagan activity".
I turn to Christin and ask her: "Who is this lady?", whereupon Christin smiles and answers: "A busybody."
I ignore the nice Christian Lady and continue taking pictures of this Lenten Veil. "Busybody" prances off and disappears through a side door. Minutes later, I am still taking pictures, she re-appears with the most ludicrous looking apparition. A Man, at least 6'6" weighing not less than 250kgs, dressed in a floor length black caftan like entire body engulfing dress. With eyes blazing he orders me to stop taking pictures at once. I ask him: 'Who are you? the Mesner?" ( A Mesner is the Church maintenance man, cleaner, and general factotum)
He ignores my question and now he goes a step further: "Leave this Church at once" he shouts loudly.
I reply very quietly that I thought this was "God's House" and if He ordered me to leave I would do so, but not if the "Mesner" tells me to leave.
He is quite obviously incensed at my second reference to his status. I turn from him and very deliberately take some more shots. He turns red in the face (now you have to imagine a black mountain with a red head on top)
and again quite loudly tells me that if I take one more picture he will take my camera from me.
I turn away, and very quietly take 4 more, completely unnecessary shots in the opposite direction of the Lenten Veils. I was, I admit provoking him to the nth degree. He grabs my camera strap and pulls on it.
I asked him not to do this, since I would otherwise have to lay a charge against him for assault.
He stops pulling on the camera strap, when a man comes from the group of tourists, approaches us and in a very quiet voice informs me that he is an off-duty police officer and that he now places himself "on duty". He shows me "his badge" (I ain't got no badge, I don't need no stinkin' badge.These words were not uttered then)... Anyway he shows me his badge and informs me with a very quiet voice that this gentleman is the Vice Bishop of the Cathedral of Gurk and totally within his right to order me to leave the church.
Please, he says, you have taken your pictures, please leave now, so that I need not escort you out of this building..
By this time, Christin has fled the scene and I find her in the Vestibule, crying with laughter....
The Police Officer, a very nice man, and I have a nice little chat, he wanting to know why I spoke to the Lady (Christin) in English. I tell him that I am a Canadian Citizen and that I am here on a visit, taking home with me very good impressions of Austrian Off Duty Cops, but very poor impressions of Austrian "Vice Bishops".
We have a good laugh, shake hands and Christin and I leave this House of God, from which I was evicted by the Vice Bishop and an Off-Duty Cop.
So there, dear Howard, is truly the makings of a Monty Python sketch.
(Shortly thereafter the Vice Bishop was demoted (not because of this incident) and transferred as a simple Priest to a small country community.)
See images below taken at great risk to my body and soul.
Can anybody give me a quick absolution?
Bertstravels.
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